Talking With Veterans: How to Connect With Your Family Members Who Served

By: Andy Dickson, Kentucky Military History Consultant 

Many family genealogists struggle with a particular topic when it comes to finding out more about their ancestors. Families especially take pride when they have a member in their tree who has served in the military. Unfortunately, some of the service members have passed and their stories of service have gone with them. However, there are many families that have living veterans whose stories have not been told. How do we engage with veterans on the stories that have not been told while respecting the veteran who served?

This is specifically for families who are interested in talking with veterans in their family.

Anecdotally, this recently happened to me when a researcher emailed me about the recent wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Their father had served, and they wanted to write about their service but did not know exactly where to start.

Fortunately, there has been research into the divide between civilians and the military; one of the major factors has to do with the ideas of the military stereotype. According to Allan Almaraz with the Journal of Veterans Studies, the stereotypes “skew a civilian’s perception of those who serve their country, resulting in a surface-layer understanding of veterans’ experiences that exacerbates the civilian-military divide.”

Almaraz cites a time when a veteran was asked if they had ever been shot at. While it is a very forward question and usually something many of those who have never served often think about, that question can raise anxiety for the veteran on the receiving end of the question. If the answer is yes that could bring trauma for the individual. Almaraz focuses on the opposite. The veteran had, in fact, never been shot at. Almaraz says that question made the veteran “question whether he did anything worthwhile on duty.” In American culture, the combat veteran is seen as a hero. However, the veteran will always think, ‘Could I have done more?’

That is where the civilian-military divide is happening. While there are combat roles, such as infantry, field artillery, and fighter pilots, there are combat service support roles. These are the jobs that keep those combat jobs in motion. Quartermasters, now mostly referred to as supply and logistics, mechanics, non-combat medics, and fuelers, are a big portion of the force. While they serve in a combat zone, not all see direct combat with the enemy. But without them, the war would not be able to endure.

In addition to questions that may seem off-putting to a veteran is what Anthony Palomado Agustos, also with the Journal of Veterans Studies, calls the “uncomfortable incuriousness”. These are the emotions in which a veteran feels as though their civilian audience cannot relate or are simply not interested in their experiences. While this is common in many relationships in which a participant can feel that they are not being relatable, the focus here is that it is, again, the civilian-military divide.

How do we engage in the divide and with our veterans who have stories to tell? First, we need to realize that every veteran has a different and personal perspective than the person that was beside them during key events. This is due to how they were raised, the amount of time in service, and because not every veteran is the same.

We can also start the conversation by asking questions that not only provide better context, but a way that sets the veteran up for making their story relatable to others who have never served.

The Library of Congress’s Veteran’s History Project has a list of simple interview questions that can help family members talk about military service.  

Especially for Vietnam or Korean War veterans, asking how or why they joined the military is a great start up question. Was the veteran drafted, or did they volunteer? What were your family dynamics before service?

Every service member also goes through the same point of entry. You can call it boot camp or basic training, but there was initial training going in. Ask about their most vivid memories of that training or how they were able to communicate back home. Most veterans will always remember their drill sergeant or instructor, the food, and the times that challenged them the most.

Next, ask about where they were stationed, what unit they served in, and about that unit and the unit history. For example, soldiers of the Army’s 1st Infantry Division are well known for their advancement on the beaches of Normandy on D-Day.

I would also suggest asking about the people they served with. Who were their friends, their supervisors, and even the soldiers they led. Ask what military life was like, both the on-duty times and the off-duty times.

The point of these questions is to close that gap between the civilian-military divide. Allow the veteran to do that for you in their own way. As a combat veteran, my experiences are broken into three periods of life: first, the time when I decided to join and was preparing to join; second, basic training and military life before combat; and finally, being in a combat zone and beyond. There is one final phase that will be discussed later.

The basic training and military life are just as important to the veteran as the combat part, even if the combat part was more stressful. The reason for that is the first part leads up to combat service to prepare them for the real-life scenarios. And we can also not forget that the inter-war periods are important when understanding American history.

Now how can we transition from daily life to the combat related parts of the veteran experience? Honestly, the answer is to learn about the details. In a combat zone, life goes on. There are times of extreme stress and, at times, hard distress. In other times, it is a group of people trying to make the best out of what they are given.

Ask questions about daily life. Where were they, what cities, towns, or villages did they work out of? Food, care packages, and letters are all important to veterans in a combat zone. How did they keep themselves clean or do laundry.

Ask about the friendships they developed. Keep an open mind that this can bring up trauma but remember the idea is to connect with your loved one. Learn about the people they served with.

The veteran may not tell you everything about combat. There are experiences that are traumatizing and difficult to recollect. Other times, by holding longer, meaningful conversations, they may give many details. That may come with time, with trust, with a stronger relationship, or never at all. But the idea is to close that gap with the experiences before the firsthand accounts are gone.

If they decide not to share, just remember, you did nothing wrong. In fact, Veteran’s Affairs has a field guide manual for dos and don’ts. One of the right things to do at that moment are follow-up questions. Ask if they still have a friend they served with whom they keep in touch with. Ask what their favorite part of serving was. Other questions could focus on what it was like returning home to their family and friends. Avoid how the community reacted, especially for Vietnam veterans who did not always receive a hero’s welcome.

The last phase alluded to earlier is the transition period from military service to civilian life. Questions about adaptation, missing friends, and reuniting with their loved ones are major parts of their stories.

Most veterans really do like talking about their service. Sometimes it takes starting the conversation in the right way. Don’t assume all veterans had some valiant act of service or even saw combat. And don’t assume that all veterans are debilitated with post-traumatic stress disorder. Conversations should be kept light, stay focused on the positive, and don’t make it an interview but rather a conversation. Ask follow-up questions for clarity if you don’t understand and find commonality between their experiences and yours. If possible, the whole conversation does not have to be in one sitting.

One final note, follow-up on your conversations with your family members. Don’t let this be a one-time conversation. If they know you are interested in documenting this service for future generations of your family, let them know. Be sure to write some of it down.

For those who have lost veterans and are no longer able to hear their stories, the Kentucky Historical Society and the Kentucky Department of Military Affairs have researchers who can help find more about your family members and what their units were involved in. Contact the Martin F. Schmidt Research Library for resources and how you can find more of your family’s history.

Biography: Andy is a history graduate from the University of Kentucky and an Army retiree with 23 years in service. He studies the people and politics of military history and how the stories of veterans affect the community. He currently serves as the Kentucky Historical Society’s military history consultant.